Turtle power, or so Michael Bay wants you to believe. The producer known for explosions and shallow screenplays has inflicted his magic upon a franchise that has languished since the early 90’s, and the result is exactly what you’d expect.

Regardless of the source material, most people are familiar with the turtles featured in the 1990’s movie franchise and late 80’s cartoon. If you’re a fan of those, like I was, you’ll be pretty dismayed to learn that Bay and director Jonathan Liebesman have turned Michelangelo, Leonardo, Raphael and Donatello into hideous, obnoxious and largely unlikable CGI creatures that do all the CGI things that make certain movies hideous, obnoxious and largely unlikable.

Whereas the original movie had a discernable real-world grit to it, or at least the practical effects made the environment feel semi-accessible, this new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is merely a flurry of color and bigger-and-louder action sequences. Coupled with a flat story and eye-rolling dialogue--even for a movie about talking mutated turtles--Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles made me wish Shredder finished off the entire cast of characters in the first five minutes.

April O’Neil (Megan Fox, who clearly reconciled with Michael Bay because he’s the only guy who will give her roles anymore) is annoying wannabe reporter who is consistently placed in demeaning positions because that’s what a female reporter is capable of in a Michael Bay-produced film.

But really, the movie is a chaotic mess. While as is it managed to make a ton of money, it’s a shame a little more effort wasn’t put into the story and writing. A movie about mutated turtles doesn’t need to be Oscar worthy, but a little more imagination and less lobotomy-inducing dialogue would have gone a long way.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a painful, ugly and annoying collection of CGI special effects. Turtle power? I’d prefer turtle soup.

Review by Erik Samdahl. Erik is a marketing and technology executive by day, avid movie lover by night. He is a member of the Seattle Film Critics Society.